Only after reading Professor Fudan's "low achiever" son did I know that parents have to go through three times to accept their fate.
Beautiful morning light, accompany you to read.
recently, I came across such a video:
the man in the video is named Wang Defeng.
is a professor and doctoral supervisor in the School of philosophy, Fudan University.
is known as "geek" and "prince of Fudan philosophy".
he was born in an ordinary family in Taizhou, Jiangsu Province in the 1950s.
after the resumption of the national college entrance examination, Wang Defeng, with his extraordinary intelligence and efforts, became the first batch of people to be admitted to the university.
all the way from Fudan undergraduate to PhD.
on the academic road, Wang Defeng is at his peak.
however, he is often at a loss when it comes to educating his children.
when his son was born, Wang Defeng had high hopes for him, thinking that his son would make greater achievements than himself in the future.
so he carefully designed a growth path for his son: when he was a child, he went to the best kindergarten, the best primary school, and the best middle school.
when I grow up, I will enter my alma mater, Fudan University.
because according to the preferential policy at that time, as long as the children of Fudan faculty members scored more than the first line, they could be admitted directly.
in Wang Defeng's view, this is almost an easy thing to do.
after the college entrance examination results came out, Wang Defeng immediately called the admissions office of Fudan and excitedly asked:
but to his surprise, the other party was silent for a moment and replied:
this sentence froze the "geek" who had been high achiever all his life.
he rode his bike alone and went for a ride on the road with his head stuffed up. When he reached the third lap, his mood gradually calmed down.
in this regard, Wang Defeng reflected:
"there are a lot of things I haven't done in educating my children.
the biggest mistake I have ever made was to impose my values on my son. "
in fact, my son didn't like Fudan from the very beginning, because he ignored his son's needs.
now, when he is no longer obsessed with letting his son enter Fudan, his son has fallen in love with study and has been admitted to the world-class university, London Business School.
speaking of this, he sighed, "it's fate."
is it fate and obedience.
in fact, when we first became parents, we all had high expectations of our children.
as our children grow up day by day, we fall from the high mountain of expectation to the valley of disappointment.
and Professor Wang Defeng's account has enabled me to find the only way from the valley of despair to the top of the mountain of hope.
that is, as parents, we must learn to accept fate these three times-
for the first time:
my child is not a genius, but an ordinary person
Zhihu has a problem. Why do we seldom show children above the fourth grade in moments?
the following high praise answers:
"the child is 3 years old, and the graffiti in the eyes of others is creative in the eyes of the old mother.
thinking that the child will become a big shot like Van Gogh and Picasso in the future;
the child, six years old, scored 100 on the math test for the first time, and the old mother thought the child must be a genius.
forgot that 35 out of 40 people in the class got full marks.
the child is 9 years old, spoken and fluent in English. Everyone says that he must be a great writer in the future.
the child is 12 years old, the academic achievement is mediocre, the handwriting is still very sloppy, and he has no artistic specialty. I really don't understand why all the children in other people's families are so excellent.
the child is 15 years old, and he is not bad-tempered. I really wonder if he can make a mistake with such a simple question. "
every parent who no longer shows his child has experienced disillusionment from "my child must be a genius" to "my child turned out to be an ordinary person".
like a picture once circulated on the Internet:
Professor Li Meijin also mentioned in her speech that her daughter is not high achiever, but an ordinary child.
once after an exam, my daughter read the results to Professor Li Meijin.
from high to low, and finally to math, with a full score of 120, and my daughter only got 15.
other parents would probably be furious, but Professor Li Meijin joked with his daughter:
in Professor Li Meijin's view, the fact that children are ordinary people does not mean the failure of education.
the essence of education is to discover the bright spots in a child and let him step on his own stage.
so she thought of a lot of ways for her daughter:
accompany her daughter to exercise together, maybe her daughter can become a tour guide;
encourage her daughter to learn music, so that the requirements for cultural classes are not so high.
finally, my daughter discovered her artistic talent, was admitted to an art school and became a music teacher.
Professor Li Meijin let me see the first acceptance of fate as a parent:
from excessive expectation, to dashed hope, to learning to be relieved, and finally understand that the truth of the world is the sparkling people at the top of the pyramid, always in the minority.
but as the Turkish proverb goes:
what we need to do is not to train every child to be a "genius" or a "big shot".
but after seeing the reality and accepting the ordinary, create all the conditions that can be created for the children and guide them to run on their own track.
accept fate for the second time:
in the future, my children will not be as likely as me
do you remember the popular TV series "Little willing" not long ago?
Tong Dawei and Song Jia play a pair of Gao Zhi parents.
both graduated from prestigious universities. Later, Tong Dawei became a well-known designer in the design institute, while Song Jia, at a young age, became the sales director of the company.
high achiever and his wife usually come into contact with high-level people.
talking and laughing, there are great scholars, but there are no white people to come and go.
so that they mistakenly think that their children will be able to enter prestigious schools in the future.
No matter how bad it is, you can go to your own alma mater.
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but Song Jia's friend pointed out bluntly:
"you see, the admission rate of key high schools in our district is very small, and if your children do not rank high, they will not be able to get in." If you can't get to the key point of the district, that one will be hanging.
so the fact that our generation has to face is that
our children may not be as good as ourselves. "
in fact, many highly educated families are experiencing similar difficulties.
under the topic "what is the experience of parents high achiever and their child low achiever" on Weibo, many parents left a message:
"I grew up in a famous school and got a doctor." My husband is more like a god, skipping several levels in a row. The son who could be born almost failed the undergraduate examination. "
"I have a master's degree from Harvard, my wife has a master's degree from Tsinghua University, but my son ranks last year, and the difference is very stable."
"I have won prizes in the national physics competition, but my daughter often fails in physics. I had expected the second child to turn around, but my son's grades were even worse. "
this is explained by scientist Francis Galton as "mean regression".
anything that deviates from the average, be it height or IQ, there is always a force that puts them in balance.
in the face of objective laws, even good parents can only accept their fate.
however, accepting fate does not mean giving up.
the netizen @ Night House Kite wrote:
"my husband and I are both from the University of Science and Technology of China. We have discussed our son. The bottom line is to study in a junior college. If not, we can consider going to the Philippines as a fisherman."
I can accept that children are not good at study, because it has something to do with IQ.
but do not accept that children do not study hard, which has something to do with cognition. "
good parents are not how much they have achieved, but they can still stand by him when facing a child who is mediocre and destined to be inferior to him.
with companionship and persistence, cultivate good habits and qualities that can benefit your child for life.
for the third time,
eventually, my child will not move in the direction I pointed out.
from 1964 to 2019, Britain spanned more than half a century, recording the lives of a group of children from 7 to 63 years old, named "Seven years of Life".
later, Japan also learned from this idea and filmed its own version of "Seven years of Life".
several of them are children, which impressed me deeply.
the boy Jian Tai was born in Miyagi Prefecture, which is famous for producing rice. He has been a rice farmer for generations.
as the eldest son of the family, as soon as Jian Tai was born, the elders of the family instilled in him the idea of becoming a rice farmer when he grew up, and hoped that he could inherit 3.4 hectares of land.
the girl Keiko was born in Tokyo, and her parents have high expectations of her.
from a very young age, Keiko has been tossing between various interest classes every day.
while other children are playing freely, the 7-year-old Keiko is taking a train to another cram school.
her greatest wish is to have "another me" in the world, responsible for studying and attending classes, so that she can have a moment of respite.
Guangping, a boy, was born in the famous pottery city of Iwanli.
my father's workshop employs more than a dozen workers and makes more than 2000 pottery every day. Father Jiao Guangping said, "I am a descendant of my father."
but two seven years later, they have deviated from their parents' expectations and become completely different-- in the process of growing up, they have witnessed major changes in the structure of staple food in Japan.
Today, the demand and output of rice are decreasing year by year. Instead of inheriting the fields and becoming a rice farmer, he has become a temporary worker in a building materials factory.
the noble son, who received elite education from an early age, failed in the exam again and again.
as a result, she was disillusioned, but she unexpectedly received an offer from the airline and became a flight attendant.
Guangping, who wants to be a descendant of his father, also gave up making pottery, because at the age of 14, his family's pottery workshop closed down because of poor management.
"I can do anything. Please don't let me make pottery."
but in fact, deviating from the track set by your parents does not mean a dead end.
Jian Tai worked from a temporary worker to a contract worker, and finally became a full-time employee in a building materials factory, and his income gradually stabilized.
Keiko finally got out of the haze of past failures.
organize cheerleaders with colleagues and have a drink or two with friends. Contented and cozy smiles appear on her face more and more frequently.
I walked around and finally got home.
but he improved his ancestral pottery, reconciled with his father, and found the strength to move forward.
after watching the lives of three children, as parents, they have no choice but to accept their fate again:
there are no parents.Be able to frame the child in his own expectations.
it is never the child's fault that expectations break.
but we mistakenly think that we can choose the path of life for our children, but forget that our children are the masters of our own lives, and that they will one day return to their journey.
forget that in the arena of scores and grades, there are always only a handful of people at the top of the pyramid, and most of the children are irresistibly becoming ordinary people.
at this moment, we realize that
my child is not my child, let alone a tool for us to find a sense of value and achievement.
they have their own ideas and missions.
and all we have to do is to get rid of obsession and learn to accept fate.
only by accepting fate can we lead our children to find their own track;
only by accepting fate can we give our children unconditional support;
only by accepting fate can children regain control of their lives and dominate their own lives.
accept fate three times, let's go from hope to despair to rebuilding hope.
but fortunately, we will not forget that
being a parent is the rebirth of a broken cocoon into a butterfly, and every acceptance of fate is our due spiritual practice.